I'm Sorry madam for the bumps [in the road]...
"I'm Sorry madam for the bumps [in the road] but they are not my fault."
Rickshaw driver in Jaipur, Rajasthan, India
Fear is just a thought. Worry accomplishes nothing.
So here I am. The Eve of the big Everest trek. For a month I've traveled through India and Nepal. Alone -- but not completely as I met many wonderful people along the way who were a conversation partner in a hostel, on a train, in the Ashram - wherever. But for the majority of this, I rode of the wave of culture shock and entering a new country alone.
December of last year I decided to join the Love Hope Strength Foundation on their next charity fund-raising expedition. For 19 days a group of 26 have signed up to take a 100-mile journey up to the First Base Camp of Mount Everest. Enduring a true mountain experience. We'll be staying at huts and lodges along the way. Sometimes a shower, or not. While I have ideas of what may come, I've tried not to think too much about it. For as La Lita Ji said "Thinking about tomorrow is losing today."
And I just want to experience it all as it comes.
For months I trained for this trip - to prepare myself physically and mentally. With the help of friends and family (and their friends and family) we raised over $10,500 for Love Hope Strength -- and am forever grateful to all those who helped support me & foundation, and your strength will help me as I journey up the mountain. I've been carrying the set of Prayer Flags with all your family names in my day pack every day as well and It's been quite incredible journey up until this point. I feel like I've truly opened my heart for the and am so content. I really am "in the now" and it's a most fantastic feeling.
And now, the evening before we head out on this journey, I'm biggest fear of all. -The small plane to Lukla. I won't go any details as I've decided that I'm not going to think about it anymore. And came up with my own personal little mantra:
Fear is just a thought. Worry accomplished nothing.
I've gone on insane bus rides throughout India and night where the buses and truck drivers play chicken with one another. I've gone for a soul-cleansing dip in the Gange River. I went paragliding in Pokhara. Also rented a scooter in Pokhara and ended up in the middle of a random festival on the street (near the gorge entrance) and before I knew it was dancing with a crowd of 100 watching. I've traveled in many different rickshaws and taxis, and gotten into random vehicles with men that are supposed to be taxi drivers, but all the vehicles really look the same and sometimes I've wondered. But hey - I've made it safe all those times and when riding in a bicycle rickshaw down the wrong one on a busy street as well.
But most of all I've been worried about this flight. Worried and fearful. But no more. I'm just letting it go for worry doesn't accomplish anything. I'm going to take a few deep breaths and then will finish packing and go on the most amazing trek - perhaps of my lifetime. And I'm going to love every minute of it too.
Namaste
:)
Follow the expedition here:
http://lovehopestrength.org/everest12/everest-2012-trek/
Wonderfully content
I'm wonderfully content.
Forever I wished for 'happiness', and the American Dream. But I have realized that desiring that dream only left me feeling empty inside. That I never was fulfilled or had what I 'wanted', often feeling alone in a room with others and never satisfied with my life.
So I redirected my energies toward being content.
Content.
Not happy, but content. Good with what I have, and good with what I don't have. And honestly, for the first time ever, I feel truly content. There is nothing I need that I don't already have, and no sad empty spaces inside of my heart. I hope this feeling lasts, and I feel it will - as I've worked a long time for this moment. Here, in Nepal, alone on Thanksgiving I am content. And happy. And full :) (steak, not turkey)
I wish you all contentness this and every day.
Namaste
Thinking about tomorrow is losing today
We will probably be competing!
"We will probably be competing!"
– My friend Sabine in Delhi when I told her to wake me she can hear me snoring from the other room.
And then there was that day you got food poisoning, and didn't do much for a while...like three days
When traveling, I have this constant urge (as I think many of us do) to see as much as possible - not to waste a minute of time doing nothing. Well, unless perhaps you're on the beach where doing 'nothing' is considering part of the vacation, like sunbathing - a favorite past-time of mine.
So when I reached Agra on the evening of the 6th, I was tired from the train ride, but fine overall. The next morning I woke to body aches and bad stomach, which then expanded into chills, headache and fatigue, followed by burning hot fever and questioning if I had gotten enough vaccines or not before leaving the US. (A few days later. I'm now fine and can say yes I'd received enough shots).
Worse than being sick alone, in a foriegn country, was the fact that I wasn't doing or seeing anything! I had to lie there in a bed, pondering whether I would die in my sleep, and calculate what I wasn't going to be seeing now that I wasn't well enough to do as much as turn a page in my ebook.
Which reminded me that I have a hard time sitting still and relaxing.
Santi, Sarah. Santi. (slow down...).
The next afternoon (around 30 hours into my bout of sicknes) I made my way to the Taj -- unshowered as there was no hot water due to a water main project (or something, you never really know what is going on). I snapped away in a weakened state at one of the world's most amazing buildings. It was beautiful. And pretty much all I'd wanted to see in Agra, when I originally wanted to be there for around 24 hours and then move on to Varanasi (to the east) and the Rishikesh (to the north)
This plan was no longer an option. Prior to booking my tickets (and remember this for when you travel to another country) I didn't know that Dewali - India's BIGGEST holiday - was going on during half of my time here. My Indian friends told me "Sarah, it's like your Thanksgiving and Christmas tied into one".. Tiik..Tiik (pronounced teeka - means OK).
But you really don't have any concept of what this means until you can't actually book a train ticket or even A/C bus ticket for that day or the next or the next. And then have to hire a car for 5000 Rupees to get back to Delhi the next day because you're done with Agra and can't imagine spending a FOURTH night in a city where ONE was previously enough. BTW a bus ticket would've been 500 rupees or so and same for train.
Well, made it back to Delhi I did. Sat in the biggest traffic jam of my life (but hey, I was moving forward! no problem!) and happy to see my friends again, and enjoy wonderful conversation of an Indian friend Sabine. Followed by a little American TV (score!)
All during this time, it kept bothering me that I wasn't out seeing something, that I was wasting time doing NOTHING but sitting around, trying to book tickets (fruitlessly) and not on the go, seeing forts and palaces and camels and stuff. But why? Why must we fill our days with so much stuff while traveling that we eventually get sick?
I feel like this is just a metaphor for so much in my life. Hurry up. Go go go go go go! Don't just sit and relax. No shanti. Must be productive.
Doesn't really work the same here in India. I call it "India time". It's just as it comes. Sometimes things are late. Sometimes trains, or people. Want a ticket? Plan ahead! Want a ticket for two weeks from now? Maybe you can get it quickly, or maybe it takes two days to arrange. Can't do anything about it, and no need to stress about it either. What does stressing do? Nothing - besides taking years off your life and adding wrinkles to your face.
Compared to my stress levels in the US I'm dealing with it all differently (tho I still want to be seeing more camels and stuff). But now that I've taken Shanti as my new unofficial middle name, maybe it's just part of me, I'm feeling much more relaxed, having now done very little as far as touring in the past few days, but will start up again tomorrow, and have many things ahead still to see. It will be worth it too, when I feel well and am no longer afraid to eat.
Now, instead of trying to fit two towns in Nepal before meeting the LHS crew in Kathmandu for the trek, I've decided to visit only one. Which one i'm still not sure of, but I'll spend 3-4 nights in one place, and be happy for it. As I won't be rushing, and worrying about how much I'll see (or not see), and slow down enough to really take in some sights and my surrounds.
Shanti, people.. Shanti
On the train..we're all the same
Sitting on the train after a long quick day of heat and a very bumpy rickshaw ride in Jaipur, and the amazing Amber Palace I was ready to be transported to another world.
Not that I wanted to leave India but rather needed to check out for a few... Your brain gets into overload after a while and with a four-hour train ride ahead, some personal quiet time was much desired.
On with the headphones and a scarf on my head and I attempted to have this moment of peace.. For around 30 minutes I did this, then found myself better -- and then chatting with a lovely German couple across the aisle from me, Eve and Toby. Quite the lovely pair. He is a PhD and she a social worker. Three weeks holiday and we all agreed its never enough time when traveling.
On board is also a group of around 8-10 Korean men. Up and down they don't sit still for a minute! At first a little annoyance as I'm next to the door and our cross aisle conversation continually interrupted by the men's pacing from the car to the back area...but then as a little time passes, they start to interact with three young Indian children sitting in the row in front of me. The three share two seats, probably around 9, 6 and 2 years in age. Back and forth they smile, make faces and wave. Much to the kids delight who burst out in giggles at the men's silly faces.
To see these Korean men and Indian children interact is a nice change of pace from non-stop honking vehicles, spitting and, well, men peeing all over the place (best day I counted around 8 men peeing. In the city). Next the Asian men are asking the parents if it's OK to take photos of the kids and them with the kids - you can see they genuinely are enjoying this playful interaction that's crossing generations and races, religions and beliefs.
It just makes me wish that everyone could be like these random train travelers. To not care where someone else is from, what color their skin is, or where they sleep at night. Why can't it be that way? How often do generations ignore one another? And even more so, different races?
For me this was a great reminder in the equality of all. We are all the same. Woman man or child. And even more so, such a nice sight to witness when just wanting to check out for a bit, but discovering the world in front of me was more kind than I had imagined.
Namaste
Namaste! Welcome to India...are you ready?
I imagine the average person doesn't wake up one day and say "I'd love to travel to India!" It's chaotic, dirty, and if you are used to many Western comforts, they won't quite be the same as you are accustomed to. Or if you pay the fee for them, you are missing out on what is infront and all around you.
When I was in Asia a couple years ago, I decided that I wanted to travel to India as well - and was even told by an Indian family in Kuala Lumpur that I should wait around 10 years until the transportation system was improved.. but why wait? The transportation is part of the country - good or bad, I'll take that with the rest of what is to come.
So in tandem with the Everest Base Camp trek I'm participating in on Nov 25, I decided this was the time to come to India. To have my own journey and truthfully, spiritual awakening.
Amazingly enough, this all happened within the first few days.
Through a family friend, I was introduced to a healer and spiritual guide - Patrick (who also is the founder of Samarpan Foundation that I did some work with while in Delhi. A wonderful volunteer-driven organization that helps people, animals and the environment. I''ll write another blog on that next)
Not even two hours off the plane and I receive a healing for my back (and other things which are for me to know) and honestly, I haven't had the back pain that I've been riddled with for years since then. Granted I'm a bit stiff some mornings thanks to the uber hard mattresses, but that's to be expected.)
After the healing there was a talk to which Patrick brought up some interesting pieces about how we humans so often feel we need to have a larger 'purpose' in life. That we have some grand plan here to leave a life that is like no other. And this desire to have meaning to our existences is what actually throws us off from what is simple and natural in our lives.
It's like we throw a giant boulder in our streams of life and expect the current to continue to run smoothly.
All the personal work I'd been doing over the past years to improve myself and "be happy" all the time finally clicked into place. This was the one last piece that I was missing in my own puzzle. It brought up how I have this struggle of outside and inside voices that dictate what I should be doing, where I shoudl be going, and who I am "supposed" to be in life.
Wonderfully, now, I realize that that's all ridiculous and the only way to true happiness is to let go of all that and JUST BE.
For a former control freak, this hasn't been the easiest up until now, but after that talk, and a moonlight meditation the night after, I actually feel more calm and grounded than I ever have in life.
I've let go of expectations and over-planning. "Be happy anyway" said Patrick after the meditation. Be happy anyway. Things don't always go as you want, but it's OK. You don't have to let that get you down or anger you, just accept it and move on. If someone lets you down or hurts you, it's not on them - it's on you. As you had expectations of how they should be acting and when they didn't do as you wanted, you became hurt. Let go of these expectations, and don't be hurt.
Embarking on this journey though incredibly impoverished and chaotic lands suddenly became so much easier when I let go of so much and decided to just go with it all. That it will all work out, one way or another. That if I miss a train or bus I can catch the next one. If I eat a meal that's blah, it doesn't matter because it's just food, it's just money. More of each will come.
I thought I was going to make this post about the hustle and bustle of this city of incredible opposites, but this is what came out :) apparently it was more pressing to share. More to come... namaste
Two quick hops and onto India
Heading out for my adventures in India, I made the best of a long layover, and scheduled a second long layover to spend an afternoon in NYC with my sister-in-law, Kim, and then had a whirlwind tour of London with a fellow Pennsylvanian who I'd met in Thailand, Raph.
Two days of hopping trains and metros when not really knowing where I was going was a great way to get myself ready for the future mass-transit that awaited me in India and Nepal. Except all these signs would be in English ;)
Traveling to a couple giant cities as well helped me prepare for the massive crowds of people that awaited me in Delhi (population 12.2M.. smaller than Shanghai, but perhaps a bit more chaotic, I would soon discover).
NYC brought mani/pedis sushi and cocktails. A 40-minute ride in took me around 1.5 hours (note: pay attention to where you are going) but some citrus tea and long-overdue girl time helped me begin to relax. It was great seeing Kim with the absence of a major holiday involved - the only time we really ever get together. A quick bite of sushi and a couple strong cocktails and this 3-hour visit ended much quicker than I would have liked. Much more efficient route back to the airport, however....while I can make mistakes, I like to think I'm a quick learner.
Londontown brought all four seasons in a day, and a massive fast walking tour from Buckingham Palace to Big Ben & Parliament, over to the London Eye (captured a wonderful sunset and clearing) , and then finally to the famous Swan Pub for some bangers and mash. Though it had a much fancier name there, for as my friend Raph put it "these well very well-bred pigs I was eating" -- or something to that extent. Add on a three-hour sleep on the plane and some jet lag and I was a bit loopy by the end of the day.
With a quick walk in the rain past the St. Paul's Cathedral where I snapped off two remaining shots (seriously raining now) my friend and I made it into a crowded and steamy metro to begin my route back to the airport on this 11.5 layover, of which I think I spent around 6 hours in London. I made it back to the airport just as they opened the gates for my next flight, and thankfully got a good 6 hours of sleep on the plane...don't forget your neck pillow.
Hectic and wonderful all in one, I think this was a great blip of what was yet to come.
Be happy anyway
When it's not what you thought it would be
Perhaps for some, their life is exactly what they imagined it would be — married/2 kids/picket fence, or perhaps independent/entrepreneur/nomad. I figured by this time in my life that I would've fallen in love, married, and popped out a couple of kids.. Had a family, been successful, and all that good sh*t.
But it's not. My life is a far cry from what I had hoped it would be.
I've never been one to be in long-term relationships. I probably have commitment issues — once being told "Sarah, you run from the good toward the bad." Seldom to exact lines stick in my head, but this one did. That's probably part of my 'single' problem. Well, that and Disney. (Really, a prince is going to come along and whisk me off my feet? More like the fantasy in my head about random dude that I'm crushing on will whisk the rug from under my feet than carry me off into the sunset.) But I digress. The fact that nothing has worked out is at least 50% my fault.
Back in 2007 I was tired of my self-employed life of a graphic designer, and decided to pursue a second degree. I wanted to DO SOMETHING with my life, my career, my forty-plus hours a week that made the world a better place for people. I had some ridiculous altruistic fantasy that my life has some sort of purpose and meaning. That with my days, I could make the world a better place. When really, I need to just make my world better for me, because so many days I'm such a miserable fuck, that my time spent fantasizing about eco-friendly design and clean air were pretty much a waste.
So I went back to school. For three years, I busted my ass to earn a second bachelor's degree, while still running my business full-time, keeping a house, a dog, a on- and off-again social life, and breaking up with the one guy that was probably the closest chance I had to fulfill my white picket fence dream.
But it was OK. It was all going to be great! I was going to get THE JOB. I was going to be a design researcher and strategist. Soemthing I would have guffawed previously, but during school realized that I enjoyed and was GOOD at doing this.
Hurrah! I can (help) save the world.
Or not.
Two years later, and what I thought was a respectable number of rejected job applications later (thanks to the 'friend' that told me I didn't try hard enough enough. Which kind of like having someone spit on you after you'd already been kicked when you were down) I decided to stop trying to find a job. Apparently, I'm not qualified.
Or am I?
I started writing this post on Oct 2, 2012. I was feeling pretty shitty about myself that night, and have a part of this that I've deleted as it was just rambling of nothingness. But going back through all my posts and rereading this previously unfinished one, I decided that I needed to post it. Especially because in such a short period of time arriving to India and thoroughly changing my feelings and perspective in life, it was good to re-read this, to be reminded of how I've felt over the past couple of years about my "American Dream"
Negative? Yes. I was in a hole of negativity and sadness. For a while I was. Difficult when I first got back from China, and even more difficult as the months passed and no job offers came in. What the hell was I doing wrong? I felt as though I didn't fit into my previous life in Denver, and was never as happy as I'd been before. But where was I supposed to go? What was I supposed to be doing?
When I finally decided to put my house on the market, everything seemed to go much faster and easier. I would say "I can't find a job or a man, so I'm going to sell my house." An act of desperation it seemed at times, but when I couldn't do anything about the other two big deals in life, I went for another one.
My house sold in 12 hours. For the full amount. Cash deal. No appraisal, no inspection.
Uh, maybe I found my new path?
I'd decided that I was going to hold off on the job search for a while - until I returned from Everest - as I was sure this would be one of those 'life changing, spiritual journeys' that we'd all read about. (Did Julia Robert's character get food poisoning in Eat Pray Love? They should've put that in there, then it would be more realistic).
Extending my 19-day Everest trip into a 51-day personal journey was perhaps the best decision I'd made in 18 months. Tho it wasn't without stress (like am I really going to generate enough income in a very short amount of time to cover all my expenses for 7+ weeks of travel?!) Yes. I was. And I did. Almost to the dollar (when I added up the final invoices) the money was there and off I went.
So maybe this isn't white picket dream. Perhaps it's better.
My new Serbian friend whom I met in Jaipur sent me this in an email yesterday (being Nov 6) And I think it wraps this up quite nicely.
With my better mindset and happier soul, I bid you goodnight.
================================
My day made me think of a poem, that might as well ring a certain bell in your head:
The road not taken, by R. Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.